i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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