just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
