We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
