Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
