if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
