He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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