Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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