Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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