when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
