You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
