he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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