whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
