Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Small penises have feelings too.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
