Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Ketchup is God's man juice
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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