i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
