dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
