He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
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