I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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