I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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