If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
