i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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