Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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