Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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