The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
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I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
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I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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