I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
