I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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