i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
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