I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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