i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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