i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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