Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
