I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
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