My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
