Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
