My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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