I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
