You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
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I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
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I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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