She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
