My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
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I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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