I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize