I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
