update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
