Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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