I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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