I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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