i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
