life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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