I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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