Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
