this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
