I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
