put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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