I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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