there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
