Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
