That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
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I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
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She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.