There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
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Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
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A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.