just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
